Tension

This word has followed me around for quite a number of months. I have felt the depth of the meaning of the word; I have felt the weight, tried to ignore it but yet it lingers.

I have reached milestones in my life, and yet I still feel too young to have reached any of them, and these have also caused friction inside of me.

Tension.

Tension between what is happening in the present and the unknown of what the future holds.

Tension between the dreams I have and reality.

Tension between my own expectations and the expectations of others.

Tension between making the right decision and the wrong one.

The tension of actually knowing what the right decision is and what the wrong one is.

Tension between being who I was created to be or faking it to please others.

As you might be able to imagine, these tensions have grown and caused anger, confusion, sleeplessness and generally feeling drained in every way. Most of the time I have been good at hiding it, but I have hated the times when I have not been able to support, care, and help others, as I would like to because I was just too heavy. I haven’t really been sure how to deal with this tension either, I’ve tried praying and often it feels like my voice is bouncing right off the ceiling. Tension breeds a whole array of other feelings most of which mean that I end up believing the lies over the truth.

I have started the process of trying to address and remove some of the tensions in my life but it is hard and sure isn’t pretty. I have wanted to give up, but just when I’m about to, a glimmer of hope shines through. Hope has come in various forms: scripture, music, poems, books, a line someone casually says in passing, encouragement, smiles and resounding “me too’s.”

Tension is uncomfortable.

Which sort of makes me excited (weird I know) because in the uncomfortable-ness, awkward-ness and friction, growth happens.

God is pruning my branches so that I may grow more fruit in my life. This, this truth is my hope. There are greater things to come in my life, whether right now I believe that fully or not doesn’t change the fact that it’s true.  Pruning hurts, it looks kinda funny and most of the time I’d really rather have an escape plan.

   But I will hold onto what I have believed in the light when darkness has robbed me of all my sight. (‘Hold onto what you believe’ ~Mumford&Sons)