The past week has been incredibly difficult for me, for various reasons which I won't go into right now. I know that this year will be tough and that really does terrify me. Thoughts of not being good enough taunt me and often leave me frozen from being able to get studying done.

I have a lot to think about over the next couple of weeks and some decisions to make that I don't want to make. But I will trust that God is leading and knows what is best for me.

Over the past week the best way to describe how I have felt would be to imagine being in a deep dark pit. Constantly looking up for inspiration, encouragement and the hope that there would be an end to the stress one day. (Throughout this week I have definitely recieved encouragement but I will write more about that later. ) The thing is I feel like this is what it will be like until I graduate next June, and maybe it will be but I would like to find another way to cope. Suggestions are more than welcome :-)

But in the midst of the stress I have been truly blessed. I have had several texts, facebook comments, skype chats and calls that have kept me going. As well as this some of the dearest people in my life have blessed me with little gifts of encouragement.

My older brother has been staying here with my nephew since Sunday night (my sister in law is away on a girls trip) and he drove me to Starbucks, let me sit in the car with Corey and brought me out my very first Eggnog latte of the season as well as buying me a bag of the Christmas blend. Beautiful.

Then on Monday morning I got to look after Corey, we met my mum for lunch in Saintfield and took him to Rowallane to play in the leaves. If you haven't already you need to watch this:


Create your own video slideshow at animoto.com.


so cute!

Last night I reached the end of myself and couldn't bare the stress anymore which resulted in a beautiful conversation with my mum which I am so thankful for and made it worth the tears. About an hour later my hot friend arrived round with a studying pick me up package! I am so blessed beyond my worth.

If you know me pretty well I'm sure over the past month or so you have heard me say in an excited voice 'I love this time of year...I love autumn...I love leaves...I love the changing colours' Or something a long those lines.

Don't get me wrong I do like every season for different reasons but I love Autumn.
All of this reminds me of what a creative God I live for.
One day I was driving in my car and I was watching the leaves fall and it lead me to think...God knew exactly when that leaf was going to fall off the tree. He knew exactly when it would change colour, what colour it would change to and when it would land on the ground. He knew every intricate detail about that leaf. (Some of you may be thinking wow that's a lot to get out of a stupid leaf.) But the mystery and divine control displayed in this season is deeply profound to me.

Autumn reminds me that God is in control.

Even when everything around changes, He stays the same.


I cannot wait for the day when I can experience Autumn in another country (such as America, I've seen the photos and it looks incredible)

I have managed to get a couple of shots from this beautiful time of year (most of the time here in Ireland you can only find one tree that displays autumn rather than a whole forest!) Some are my own shots and others are ones that I've found and adore.

Human beings were created by a God of community for community.

God created us to live together and be connected to one another in relationships.

Because that is how God created us to function.

I love that.

This theme of community is carried throughout the Old Testament, when God gave the Israelites the 10 commandments they are mostly based on relationships...'have no other gods before me', 'do not bear false witness against your neighbour' etc. These rules are to ensure true and authentic community can grow. Then in the New Testament we see Jesus who is born and raised in community and who was surrounded by twelve close friends. Jesus' ministry is marked by relationships and sharing the gospel with communities.We then learn about the Acts of the Apostles of the community of believers who shared their possessions and all aspects of their lives with one another. I find these verses beautiful. They lived and breathed together, bearing one another's faults openly and endeavoured to support one another in anyway they possibly could. Although these verses are beautiful we are not experiencing community the way God originally intended. Humanity is still fallen but we have the unfailing hope (shown in Revelation) that God is outworking His plan to bring all people into community with Him and with each other that will break down all barriers, end all wars, end all suffering, end all loneliness.

That will be a beautiful beautiful community.

But until then God desires that we continue to live as a community of believers bearing one anothers failures, encouraging and loving one another and keeping Him at the center.


I am thankful to God that I get to live this life and I get to have relationships with amazing people.

An overwhelming truth has been flooding my heart with love the past few weeks...

Is that God understands me.

He understands why I do what I do, even when I don't.

He understands why I react the way I do to things around me.

He understands why I sin and how hard it is for me to resist the temptation.

~ (Of course that is not an excuse for me to continue to sin)

He understands why I find the things I think are important...are important. Because He created me that way.

He understands when things bug me and irritate me.

But,

He doesn't want me to leave it there, because He loves me He wants me to bring it to Him and leave it with Him.
Something I find incredibly difficult but I need to bring every joy and sorrow to Him no matter what.

Through believing that He understands I feel relieved and comforted.

My heart can smile from the inside out.

Because when I think no one else understands...

He does.

I started to write a blog post about my experience in Czech...

...that was 10 days ago.

I am struggling with the same thing as Rach D here, to write a blog post about Czech means that it's over and I'm not really overjoyed with that truth. Not right now, not yet. But I will be.

So until then I will write about my uncertainty.

This year is my final year of university. That means two sets of finals, 4 assignments and 1 dissertation.

That's a lot of work to squeeze into a few months.
My fear is not getting the balance right. That one of these areas of my life will suffer because of the other. I want each and every part to glorify God.

I'm scared.
I'm scared that I'm not adequate enough to take on this challenge.

But I know that I must believe in my heart that I do not face this challenge alone.

I would just adore for God to tell me, I'd just like to have a clue.
I guess He wants to teach me patience because patience produces perseverance and perseverance, character.
I just don't want to waste anytime, ya know?
Life is like a vapour, gone in a second.
I want each of my seconds to count for Him.
I am uncertain about how He will use my seconds, and I'm trying to be ok with that.

What I do know though, is that sometime in the future I will be able to write a blog post about where He has lead me and what He is doing through me.

I just have to wait.

There is a time for everything...

A while back in April I went on the Elevation Weekend to the North Coast. I was so excited and thankful that I could go on what was my first Elevation Weekend. The goal was elevation and boy did we rock that goal!

The theme of the weekend was 'One Month to Live'. We looked at how you would live if you knew you only had 30 days left, but also what would it look like for us to live that way now.

As you can see it was pretty challenging.

This weekend forced me to re-examine my life.

Am I living with passion?

Could the way I live my life leave a lasting legacy for Jesus?

God has taken me on a journey since I began to think about this a few weeks ago. I am learning that through Jesus I can leave a legacy, and that's nothing to do with me but Him. If I let Him take full control of my life and I let Him pour into me then I can pour into others.

I have determined what matters most to me in my life: family, friends, ministry&service.

So how do I make the most of the time I have with these people?

Love like I'm forgiven.



'You must make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.' Colossians 3:13

It's not easy to forgive the ones who mean the most to me but the only way I can forgive them is to reflect upon the forgiveness that Christ shows me time and time again. By loving people through the forgiveness God has shown me, I can make a difference for Christ.

Perhaps one of the most challenging thoughts that ran through my head the whole weekend was:
What if I loved my family the way I love my friends?
I mean I show my friends daily how much they mean to me, even with the simplest thing of giving them a hug.
But it's very rare that I even hug one of my family members, and I've decided that's not ok.
I am blessed to be able to say that I have a family and I don't want to take that for granted anymore.
After all, I have been called to love others like Jesus loves them...and that should start at home.  I can no longer assume that they know that I love them just because we're family, I want to show them with my life and actions towards them. I know it will be awkward but I'm fully relying on God to use me and guide me by His Holy Spirit.
For Greater is He that is within me than he who is in the world.



I pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honour at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 1:19-20

I want to show my family God's power and the love that only comes from Jesus in a new powerful and creative way. It's scary, exciting and a huge task but one that I won't be doing alone.

Easter is a time that brings chocolate Easter eggs, pretty spring things and chicks&bunnies... and often the Cross is thrown in for good measure, just to make sure the religious bit is added in. The Cross is the central symbol of Easter and I believe that that’s how it should be. But what frustrates me (and I’ve chatted to a couple of people about this) is the fact that we try to make the Cross look pretty. There are hundreds of different designs, sizes, colours etc that you can wear round your neck or hang up on your walls (one illustration is pictured above).


But the Cross was not cute.

The Cross was gruesome.

The Cross was heartache.

But the Cross was definitely not cute.

Once again as I look to the Cross I find myself completely humbled. I am humbled by this love story sent down in the form of Jesus from God.

It was a bloody sacrifice.

The truth that has pulled at my heart this Easter is the fact that even if I was the only person Jesus had to die for, God would have still let it happen.

He would have hung there taking in His last excruciating breath so that He could have a relationship with me. So that the barrier of sin would be broken down and I could receive His love and be forgiven.

I find that truth so hard to believe because I am so so unworthy of this sacrifice and the cost that God had to pay.

I don’t deserve grace.

I don’t deserve forgiveness.

I don’t deserve love.

But Jesus went through the trauma of the Cross even though I/we don’t deserve it.

Over this weekend I have been blessed by solid and encouraging teaching by Paul B on the Easter Story. I attended a Good Friday service that Paul was speaking at and God moved in my heart that night. (Hence the awesome title of this post from Paul’s sermon title). It is only now that I can begin to reflect and figure out what happened. A theme that seems to be running throughout my life at the moment is honesty. I need to be more honest about my relationship with God, in my relationship with God, with my feelings and in my relationships with people. And there on Friday night God reminded me to be real about the condition of my heart with Him and to stop hiding. Sometimes hiding can be the easy option because that way I don’t have to deal with myself, or what God is doing in my life. It’s very easy to get caught up in the doing and not the being. And even when I’m trying to just be with Jesus...I’m still doing something, like journaling, reading, praying (all of which are great) but I think I need to be more silent with God. I need to soak up His presence, power and love.

The amazingly incredible thing is, is that despite all my trying... all God wants is me.

That is scary but also liberating.

I can’t even begin to put into words how thankful I am that Christ did die to set me free and to give me not just everlasting life but a relationship with Him here and now.

But the act of the Cross did not end with Christ’s final breath as darkness covered the earth.

But it was 3 days later...

“The stone it has been moved, the grave is now a groove, all debts are removed” Bono

Jesus conquered the grave, He arose from the cling of death.

Why is this so important?

Well if Jesus hadn’t risen then He wouldn’t be Jesus.

He would just be some wise guy who talked the talked but didn’t walk the walk.

He is our Saviour and He is mighty to save.

“Jesus’ tomb was empty, so our lives could be full” Paul B

It is necessary to reflect and be humbled by the Cross but there comes a time when I have to move out of grieving for the Cross and into the celebration of the resurrection. (Please don't misunderstand me I'm not belitting the cross here in anyway!) There comes a time when I have to accept God’s forgiveness and total unconditional love and acceptance for me.

That time is now.

I will leave you with my favourite ‘Cross’ song, listen here and also this one here...

When I survey the wondrous cross,
On which the Prince of glory died,
My richest gain I count but loss,
And pour contempt on all my pride.


Forbid it, Lord, that I should boast,
Save in the death of Christ my God!
All the vain things that charm me most,
I sacrifice them to His blood.

See from His head, His hands, His feet,
Sorrow and love flow mingled down!
Did e’er such love and sorrow meet,
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?

Were the whole realm of nature mine,
That were a present far too small;
Love so amazing, so divine,
Demands my soul, my life, my all.

This post is titled God of honesty...

So that is what I endeavour to be in this post.

Honest.

Over the past couple of months I have been experiencing the freedom, liberation and joy that comes with honesty. Granted, I haven't experienced this everywhere I go, but it's something that is still outworking in my life.

On Sunday night I went with a group of some of my favourite people to hear Rob Bell speak. (Rob deserves a whole post to himself but that will come in due course) But one thing that really struck me was Rob's honesty.( I mean I had felt his honesty in his books but it was so refreshing to see it in real life) He was brave enough to say what everyone else was/is thinking (whether they admit it or not). Rob talked about the value of honesty and that is something that I have been pondering for a while now.

To be in true fellowship with God and one another, we need to be honest.

God is interested in the bad just as much as the good.

Let me repeat that because its something we usually brush off...

God is interested in the bad just as much as the good.

God has been reminding me of this revolutionary truth over and over- - through scripture, sermons and people.

So honestly, at this particular moment in time I feel numb. I feel like God isn't getting through to my heart. (That could possibly be because I'm not letting Him) But what I've been learning is that I need to be honest with myself in this because the only way to move forward in the journey is to be honest and abandon myself to Him.

I don't have all the answers.

And most of the time I love that.

During these times of numbness and dryness I have been trying to fill myself with God's truths and promises. Today I came across a note written in my bible titled 'The mystery of more'. It is a small A5 piece of paper that is crammed full of things that I am thankful to God for. But the amazing thing is this...God doesn't just offer me these 'things' once- -its time and time again. Don't worry if this doesn't make much sense, I'm going to write them below:

God thank you for...
-more love-more grace-more compassion-more faith in me when I need it most-more encouragement-more power-more support-more guidence-more passion-more wisdom-more insight-more forgiveness-more blessing even when I don't deserve it-more understanding-more mercy-more unfailing,unconditional,transforming,enduring love-more relationship-more presence-more challenges-more growth-more strength-more rest-more whsipers in the dark-more light in darkness-more healing-more beauty being revealed to me in your creation-more romance-more captivating paintings in the sky-more adventure-more struggle-more trust-more words when there aren't any to be said-more stillness-more silence-more provision-more praise&worship-more patience-more sacrifice-more indiscriminate acts of kindess-more kindess-more peace-more surrendering-more favour-more chances.

And the crazy thing is that God is SO much MORE than this. He gives me so much more even though I am so unworthy and so undeserving. God is faithful in these things even though I am far from faithful to Him. And what makes me tearful is that right now is that I know these things are true but I don't feel it. But what I also know is that, God is in no way limited to my feelings and that is a blessing and relief to me. I am so thankful that God is unchanging, and that all these things I've listed remain when all else fades.

Something I have also been learning through stories of characters in the bible is that in times when they couldn't pray, worship or want to be anywhere near God they borrowed other people's prayers and words. One guy in particular who makes me laugh and gives me hope in a strange sort of way (because he was a complete screw up but God still used him) was Jonah.

Jonah tried to run from God.




So much so he ended up in a whale's belly. And it is here that I have learnt something new. In chapter 2 Jonah realises that the only way he is going to get out of this whale is to ask God to help. But Jonah is in such a panic, sorrowful, fearful, frustrating place that he can't bring himself to pray to God himself. He can't face praying to God with his own words. So what does he do? He borrows the words of others. Jonah begins to pray from the Psalms, various lines from several different Psalms (3,5,18,30,42,69,120 and 139).

I love this idea and it is one I want to cultivate in my own life.

Even though Jonah didn't feel like praying, he still did. Even if that meant borrowing someone else's words.

So even though I may not feel God close, or feel like praying or feel like studying...it doesn't really matter because God's truth, power and love transcend my feelings. I hope that God will continue to guide me through this struggle and that I will continue to learn more about how much I must decrease and He must increase.

Because really at the end of the day it always comes back to the simplest of truths:

It's not about me.
It's all about Him.